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NOBODY LIKES ONIONS

Patrick Melton
50 episodes
This podcast may contain explicit content.
For over FIFTEEN YEARS, Nobody Likes Onions has been making audiences laugh at the absurd, the obvious, and the wrong. Comedian Patrick Melton, along with other entertainers from around the world, gather around microphones three times a week to present their unique observations and opinions about current events, pop culture, and real-world experiences in their personal lives.

Disclaimer: the content and artwork of this podcast are the property of its owner and are not affiliated with nor endorsed by Audiotrails.

NLO 1386: Discount Doodle

Patrick is fully vaccinated and can now eat dog, and he got a new Goldendoodle puppy just to test the theory. Listen to the harrowing tale of how Patrick hunted and finally got a great deal on a potentially illegal or mentally defective dog. Caitlyn Jenner is trying to be the mayor of California, a…

NLO 1385: Comedy Kings & Curry Queens

Alex “KOOL-AID” Ansel joins Patrick in the studio for the first time since the pandemic rained down it’s prolonged hiatus on fun and social interaction. Both of them are scheduled to get their second vaccine this week, and they figured they would forego safety and hunker down together for a few hou…

NLO 1384: Trippin’ With Thai

Patrick is joined by comedians George White and Adam Dominguez as they recount the tale of going on the road with Thai about a year ago. Was he a nice man? Was he fair and super sweet? Find out on this scandalous behind-the-scenes expose, with never-before-seen footage, photos, screenshots and more…

NLO 1383: Umm, Bothered

Thai Rivera is back at it again, trying to explain away the same altercations for the third show in a row. This one is a LOLlercoaster of emotion, as Thai can't decide whether or not he wants to make up with people from one minute to the next. He waffles from indifferent to incensed with the manic …

NLO 1382: Getting Gooky

Patrick is joined in the studio by comedian Matt Markman, who has the honor of being the first guest in our new studio. Matt is vaccinated, and Patrick recently had his first shot of the Pfizer shot. The guys discuss vaccination and conspiracies, along with what might be in it for Bill Gates if he …

NLO 1381: THAI RIVERA vs. TRIXX Full Breakdown

Joke thievery is no laughing matter! The Las Vegas comedy scene is spicy, and most of the bickering centers around everybody’s favorite drama donut, Thai Rivera, accusing Canadian comedian Trixx of joke theft – the most unforgivable of comedy crimes. Who’s lying? Who did what? Is there more to the …

NLO 1380: Recalibrate Your Crazy

It’s another weekend in Las Vegas, and the streets are sizzling with sweet, sweet comedy drama. In this show, Patrick share some great news from his HOA. He grapples with the prospect of getting the vaccine soon and asks for listener feedback. Artist Lane has some new demands from Patrick before we…

NLO 1379: Pure Hate

Patrick continues bitching about the woes of home ownership, including a recent faucet repair and more HOA drama. He also recently found himself furniture shopping and purchasing some sofas from a company called Lovesac. I hope you enjoy fifteen minute rants about customer service and how not to dr…

NLO 1378: Ban Basil

Patrick begins the show with anger about a pizza he ordered that got delivered with a bushel of basil, and he's not really a basil man. But seriously, take a bite out of this hot gardening talk. There's drama brewing in the comedy community, and while Patrick is refusing to say much, he also says q…

NLO 1377: Build a Bubble

Patrick starts the show out with a mini rant about Twitch and their weird mechanisms for creators. A string of rapid subscription triggers something called a hypetrain, and that seems inappropriate. There seems to be some memory of Golden Corral that has triggered a very emotional rant from Patrick…

NLO 1376: Phantoms & Feet

Patrick has been working hard on rearranging the studio, hanging lights and other show paraphernalia from the rafters. With only a trusty drill, sorry, impact driver, in one hand and the other one gorilla glued to itself, it’s all sure to turn out well. The US Postal Service is getting new vehicles…

NLO 1375: Stonky Kong

Patrick is settling in to the new studio, and while there’s still a lot of adjustments to make, there’s even more crap to talk about that’s happened in the past couple of months. Patrick has finally gotten a haircut, and he wants you to know about it. We talk about all the recent market moves, from…

NLO 1374: What’s Poppin’?

Patrick goes over the drama that has unfolded over the past day regarding Thai Rivera and the Savage A.F. podcast. Black Pedro blocks the NLO instagram account for no reason and refuses to answer a tweet. Patrick opens the show telling people to enlist in his new ANT army. We discuss our new spons…

NLO 1373: Thai VS. Shang (The Cringening)

Patrick is back after an extended hiatus while building out the new studio. Bear with the subpar sound on this one while we dial everything back in. Thai Rivera is back and this time he’s guesting on another comedy podcast where he feels he’s been disrespected, ambushed and misrepresented. Watch th…

NLO 1372: Bitch Made Vegas

Patrick has taken a poll on instagram about Las Vegas comedians, and he’s been getting some strange messages. How deep do the secrets of the Las Vegas comedy scene go? Will we ever know? Are some good guys being accused of being bad guys, and vice versa? Will Matt Markman ever sell enough of his C…

NLO 1371: Thief & The Girl

Patrick gets an email that starts his entire day down a trail of podcasting history. Keith and the Girl, one of the first podcasts when we started back in 2005, is back at it with their old tricks. These two dopey ex-clowns never cease to amaze us with their inability to master podcasting, from the…

NLO 1370: Dear David

Patrick has been troubled lately. Spirits. Ghouls. Ghosts. Geists. Goblins. A boy has been walking around Patrick’s house, taunting him with hisses in the night and scurrying from room to room. We dive in to Google and find out it could be a boy named David. We check in on Crazy Joe, because it’s b…

NLO 1369: Dranksgiving

Patrick gathers all the people from around the internet who want to escape from their families in to one chat room to guilt eat and cry. Patrick is getting close to signing on his new house, and has stories about HOAs for days, but the chat doesn’t seem impressed. Patrick drinking always ends up le…

NLO 1368: Hubblicious

Patrick is sick once again and is paranoid about the coronavirus again. The studio is about to be wrecked as Patrick’s landlord finally agreed to install some auxiliary air conditioners, which is great for the winter chills. He’s also waiting for the last hurdle of his home-buying adventure by tryi…

NLO 1367: The Big 41

It’s Patrick’s birthday, and although he appreciates the love and gifts from those who have gathered. Enough is enough. Some people don’t understand what gifts are good, and what gifts are chores. Amazon gift cards or cash, please. None of this other feel-good horseshit. Patrick ordered a new iPhon…

NLO 1366: Warbly Porker

Patrick is balls deep in the house buying process, and the stress is beginning to take it’s toll. He’s intimidated by the prospect of taking on the project of installing a pool in his back yard, and he feels pressured by Big Pool. Costco has a lot to answer for when it comes to how he was treated r…

Election Night 2020 Pt. 1: Cis is Sus

Patrick straps in for a long day and night of uncertainty and civil unrest. Armed only with weed and a limited knowledge of how the election process works on the whole, and joined by a band of savagely uninformed voters, Patrick tries to make the most of the situation at hand. Part 1 of 3 of this s…

NLO 1362: Know What I Meme

Welcome to morning hot talk with the bow boys. Patrick welcomes you to Gum Club and talks about how all the gum comes from like two companies, collectively known as Big Gum. Gum Club is sponsored by Brandie’s Bows and Cheryl’s Barrels. These shows were recorded before the election, so the amount of…

NLO 1361: A Pools Errand

Patrick is kicking off his day with coffee and an apology to Breonna Taylor. Patrick’s latest foray in to trying to buy a house has failed again due to a poor inspection that revealed a million problems. He quickly recovers though, by making another offer on a new house, but not without it’s compro…

NLO 1360: Cooking Without Gas

Patrick is back from doing shows on the road and is back to hunting for a house. It’s not been going well, but he has an offer in on a new place that is pretty sweet, but it’s missing that sweet natural gas he craves. Patrick is traumatized by the left and baffled by the right, and he doesn’t even …

NLO 1359: Little Rock Landry

Patrick sits down with everyones favorite wannabe city councilperson/comedian/activist/grumpy old man, Landry Miller. Landry was good enough to put aside his general disdain for people long enough to sit down with Patrick to talk about doing comedy in pandemic times, this recent alcoholism. Patrick…

NLO 1358: Farts and Minds

Patrick has just finished up a week of work in Tulsa and sits down with comedian Scott Schaffer to bitch about these kids today. Progressing in to straight-up "get off my lawn" territory, the two discuss the state of comedy and the world by basically bitching about people who can't stop bitching. A…

NLO 1357: The Money Pit

Patrick is joined by Roy Johnson in an on-location show from Tulsa, Oklahoma after finishing a week of shows. Patrick hasn’t been on stage in over six months, and is also paralyzed by a crippling fear of COVID-19. Roy recaps the weekend and pontificates to the dismay of the chat room while Patrick …

NLO 1356: For Heaven’s Sake

Patrick is excited about the possibility of pivoting to a gamers only podcast. We are proud to announce that we are the only podcast with GeForce RTX graphics. That can’t be, can it? People need to stop worrying about Patrick being poor. It’s all going to work out. We check in on some of the latest…

NLO 1354: It’s Electric!

Patrick has been busy but that’s not going to stop him from bitching about everything under the sun. SUBtember is here at Twitch so that seems very to tell people about continuously. We reveal that we have a very capable doxxer in our midst. Patrick has lost everything in the stock market and wants…